Friends/Feelings

I miss my friends.  It feels like they are all too busy for me, which is ironic, because aren't the ones who get married supposed to 'fall off the face of the planet'?  I don't think I have.  I feel like I'm keeping up a one-sided relationship with almost all of my best friends.  And it sucks.  I know they're all busy with school, work, relationships, but I work and have a life, too.  I still find the time to write an e-mail or write on their Facebook now and then.  I have always felt that I have to initiate everything with my friends.  So should I keep trying?  Do I still care?  Yes, I still care about them, but it just makes me feel less important, less needed or cared about.  Maybe I am just too needy.  I don't know.  I tend to have that kind of personality.  It just makes me sad that my friends don't seem to have the time for me.  I'm sure they don't realize how I feel, but it doesn't lessen the pain.  So now when we talk, it's awkward and not how it used to be.  Maybe I'll just disappear off the face of the planet and see what happens.  Probably nothing.   

Lately I've found myself getting depressed for no real reason.  Sometimes all the sadness and loneliness mounds up and it's overwhelming.  The other day I started to cry because I missed home so much.  And then I think, 'what am I doing here?  I live in a random town in Idaho, hours away from any family, Zak's not going to school and I work at Macy's.'  It's not exactly the dream or plan I had envisioned.  Maybe I just don't know what I want.  Maybe I just hate the fact that life is hard and I can't go back to my cushy life when I was a teenager.  I still don't feel like I'm old enough to have graduated from college, or have been married a whole year.  What do I want to do with my life?

Zak wants to move to the Philippines or somewhere in Southeast Asia and run a gem store.  Initially, I was against it, but as he talked me through it, the idea grew on me.  After all, life is for living, right?  It's not something we're going to jump into, we'll both research the hell out of it, but I think it's a pretty cool idea.  I don't know, Zak is a smart, charismatic guy who knows a lot about the jewelry industry.  I am organized and would be a good book-keeper.  Everyone says they have dreams and want to fulfill them, but wouldn't it be great if someone actually did?  However, my ideal job/life would be living in Europe (preferably France or Italy) and working with some really awesome art museum.  I feel like I don't know enough...yet.  Zak thinks I should get my Master's in Art History in a few years.  Maybe I will.

Part of me is torn because I would love nothing more than traveling around the world with Zak for several years.  But the idea of a traditional life with a house, kids and a picket fence is also appealing.  It feels safe.  I don't feel like I'm a big risk taker.  But I want stories to tell my kids, grandkids about my life.  But I guess there will still be stories, whether we live abroad or not.  Hmm.

Most of this has just been floating around in my brain for awhile.  I'm also on my period, so some of the emotion is a bit more hyped up.  I'm sure I'll be fine, but I needed to get some of this out.