The other night, Zak and I were talking about life. And I realized that I don't know what I want from my life. I don't really have anything in my mind about what I want to do. Yes, there are vague answers about how I want to have a family one day and travel, but those aren't concrete enough. I told Zak how I feel like I chose wrong, when it came to college. Like I should've majored in like, the culinary arts or something. He thinks that I'd be great at interior design. It's not that I don't love art history, it's just that I don't want to teach (which everyone assumes I do), and I feel like I have to get my master's in it. And not like that wouldn't be bad, I'm open to the idea of going to grad school in a few years. But maybe I should try something first. Maybe I should audit or even take classes and see if I'm interested and good in something else.
Because I'm unsure of what I want to do with my life. I've always wanted two lives: one like the way I grew up, in a familiar setting, with cute kids and a nice house, but the other where I live in the middle of Asia for a few years and then travel to Europe, or have a bakery or something. It's not that I don't want a family, but I can't see it happening any time soon. And it feels like I am always thinking about it, but it seems that there is always someone I know who is pregnant, which forces me to think about having kids. But that's not for me right now. I'm not kidding when I say at least five more years. Stupid biological clock, controlling my feelings.
But what should I do in those five years before I have kids? Because life changes radically with kids. I don't feel like it'll 'end my life', but I certainly won't have the freedom and opportunities I have right now. So why don't I do something about it? Maybe I should go back to school, even to audit some classes. Maybe we'll move out of the country (hell, if Sarah Palin gets anywhere near the White House, we've made a pact to leave the U.S.A. A.S.A.P.) for a few years.
I'm scared because life isn't written for me anymore. All my life, it was: go to school, go to high school, graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, get married, have kids. Well, I've done all of that, except for the kids part, so now what? No one's telling me what to do now and it's weird. I know, I know, 'Welcome to being an Adult', but it's freaky! And I shouldn't feel like I should have kids just because that's the next step (eventually). It's going to be a decision Zak & I make together. This next part isn't written for me and I'm not sure what to do. But isn't that the beauty of life?
If anyone is going to follow their dreams, shouldn't it be me? I was telling Zak how I've always felt a little bit of an outcast throughout life. Here are some examples that may sound silly to you, but they are legit to me: I grew up LDS, I grew up in a more liberal LDS family, my parents aren't both white, I went to a church school where it was weird & uncommon to date someone for 2 years before getting married, I didn't immediately get pregnant nor want to. I've just felt that I've always been a little different. And I don't necessarily want the same life that all of my old roommates with kids have. But the problem is that I don't really know what kind of life I do want to have. Maybe I'll just go live in Nepal with some Buddhist monks. Maybe I'll become a Buddhist. Hey, I really like Buddhism, I think it's fascinating. I wasn't really into Asia like Zak is until I took that art history class about it and from there I was hooked. Zak's talked about running a gem shop for Westerners somewhere in Southeast Asia, or the Philippines. Initially I was freaked out about it, but I don't know, it could be cool.
Everyone always says that you can do anything you dream, or something to that effect. But it seems that everyone does the same thing and doesn't end up doing what they dreamed, or even what they hoped for. I feel like I'm meant to live some kind of alternative lifestyle than the rest of the people I know. And not to say that their lives aren't fulfilling or whatever, or that having a family isn't fulfilling, or anything like that. But I have so many desires and dreams that I don't know if I want to give them up.
I'm going to take some time to really think about what I want to do. It's my life, I'm young and why not at least try?
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